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Sitwell Vegan

The dePARTNERSHIP at John Lewis and Partners, and a Marked Warning

presumptive

/prɪˈzʌm(p)tɪv/

adjective

1. 

of the nature of a presumption; presumed in the absence of further information.

“a presumptive diagnosis”

 

William Sitwell (I will name him Shitwell for this blog because I presume his shit is better than mine due to his supremely pedigree meaty lifestyle).

Shitwell was contacted by email by a vegan freelance journalist who very sensibly pitched a plant-based meal series for Waitrose Food magazine. On reading, his pedigree lifestyle put him in what he saw as a very superior position. 

“Hi Selene. Thanks for this. How about a series on killing vegans, one by one. Ways to trap them? How to interrogate them properly? Expose their hypocrisy? Force feed them meat? Make them eat steak and drink red wine?”

Obviously Selene is a misguided idiot. One would presume that Selene is ill, barely able to lift a finger to her presumed typewriter and obviously needing a bloody good portion of pork. One presumes at this point that she is a left wing sandal wearing lesbian too. 

Well I am sorry, chum, I may have to pepperami a few things home to you.

1. Waitrose have just launched a vegan Christmas range
2. Waitrose was the first UK Supermarket to have dedicated vegan sections in 134 of its stores
3. Waitrose has over 40 different vegan and vegetarian-ready meals
4. One in 8 people in the UK are either Vegetarian or Vegan (thats a big queue of people waiting to hit you) and no, they are not all gay or left wing before you presume that one
5. The number of vegans, who shun all animal products including dairy and eggs has grown fourfold from 150,000 to 600,000 in four years
6. You have egg on your face.

And I am annoyed because it  seems I have had a week of presumptions. Maybe it is in the face of the Brexiteers (sorry that was a little presumptive of me) that I am experiencing this. But to add to the story, I had a fantastic week away during half term with our client Mark Warner. 

I met some lovely people and my daughter Bea made some great friends. As is the nature of a buffet-driven family holiday, we started to form smaller groups within the whole group and share stories and drink a few local beers as the sun went down. 

During one pleasant evening the chap on my right, who incidentally had come across as a nice fella, turned to me and did a Shitwell. “How do you find Brighton?” he questioned, after a couple of pints of local mind loosener. 

“I love it” I responded, “it is one of my favourite places in the world”.

 He looked at me and leant in close enough for me to get a hint of Ouzo on his breath.

“Don’t you find it a bit gay though?”

What’s left of the Merthyr in me gripped my pint glass, but there was too much beer left in it to waste on him. What had he just asked me? He is presuming that I label gays as gays and he is presuming and that they ‘spoil’ my love of my adopted town. Worse than that, he is presuming that I think like he does. Another twat. 

We work in advertising. By nature of that fact we have an office full of characters from all walks of life. To do what we do we have open minds. To do it well, we have really open minds. To do it well also takes patience and sometimes a nurturing of others to help them see how others see the world and to help them realise that their way is not necessarily the right way. 

 

It’s a delicate job sometimes but come on people, it’s 2018. We live in a life of colour. We are better educated and we know more. I am a vegan, yes. But actually the truth is I am a human being who has chosen not to eat any form of animal product. Or anything that comes from anything that had a beating heart. I also care for the environment and the planet we live on and the damage we have done. I am changing my ways and you cannot do it overnight. But I do feel that I am at the forefront of a revolution. I also love Brighton and don’t in any way find it a bit gay. It’s completely gay and I fucking love it. 

So Shitwell, you almost shat out a massive Ratner. You could have done damage to a very good brand. And a very established brand at that. As a media man you should be aware that comments like yours are really bloody dangerous. As an ex-influencer you are now free to hide away in shame with your trotters up like our non-friend Mr Cameron.

 

And as for my entirely non influential unnamed ‘friend’ on holiday, you were seconds from a good fisting. Thank god I am a pacifist.

Presumption leads to decision and the decision has been made for Shitwell. Assumption leads to nothing, and consumption – well that is for us to decide isn’t it? Although less is more, so I would happily live on a planet without the likes of Shitwell or my ‘friend’ from holiday.

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